I had every intention of blogging this weekend. Every intention. Truthfully though, I was too exhausted. I was home for all of an hour and half on Friday and just took Saturday to relax and enjoy the nothingness of a quiet Saturday. We all need some nothingness from time to time, am I right? And then yesterday rolled around and it was a relaxing busy. Late service, lunch out, family time, a good walk outside. It was perfect. Until it hit me. That strange, creeping feeling that just comes without warning every now and then. The sadness, the loneliness, the worry. Questioning my future, my dreams.
Truth be told, I had a really good time when I went home for Christmas. And I didn't even have that hard of a time coming back this trip. And the twelve days that followed my return home? Amazing. Fun and exhilarating and scary all at the same time. But it's been a rough two weeks for me. And I've been so busy with work and school that I haven't had time to really dwell on all of it until this weekend. And dwell on it I did.
You see, I gave someone a little piece of my heart while I was away....and he kind of broke it on me. And it hurt more than I thought it would. Mostly because I knew that it was inevitable, it just happened sooner than I thought, but more because I had every intention of some day breaking his heart (not the other way around). And I know that makes me sound awful but I truly did like him. And we talked future and dreams together and it was wonderful. But honestly? It was too much too soon for me. And it scared the heck out of me. But I figured that I'd attempt to live in the moment a little and soak it all up while I could and then maybe, eventually, it would all fade and we could go our separate ways without any kind of bruises or scars. But it faded way faster than I ever expected it to. And it left me bruised and scarred. And I can't say the same for him because I really don't know how he feels, though I wish I did.
I'm really not sure where this is going right now and I'm really not sure that I knew where I wanted it to go in the first place. Though I don't think it was here. But here it is anyway.